


Sexy But Insane

by Elmers_glue



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Band Fic, Bisexual Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg, Drinking, F/M, Feral Jaskier | Dandelion, M/M, ive only seen the show this is hubris, okay ignore the tag where i say ive only seen the show, over the 4 months i didnt update i read the books and played the game, yennefer and jaskier are BROS, yennefer and jaskier are PETTY, yennefer is a queen, yennefer/geralt was in the past
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:54:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24747949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elmers_glue/pseuds/Elmers_glue
Summary: What does Jaskier do to cope with his boyfriend Geralt breaking up with him? Get drunk and listen to ABBA.Oh, and also form a band with his sort of friend Yennefer out of pure pettiness.Please enjoy this fic, its my first in the fandom and I really would appreciate feedback! Also basically all the songs that aren't from the show are by Joey Batey's band, The Amazing Devil.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Past Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	1. Dude we're getting the band together!

**Author's Note:**

> Jaskier wallows in self-pity and gets drunk. Yennefer's done with his shit.

“Jaskier! For Heaven’s sake stop playing that on repeat!” Yennefer yelled at her roommate.

“I can’t! I’m wallowing in self-pity!”

“Wallow quieter. I want to sleep.”

“But he broke up with me and ABBA is all I have!” Jaskier whined. It had been two weeks since Geralt, his then-boyfriend, now his ex-boyfriend had broken up with him after Jaskier had practiced just a little too loud for his gig at the Barnacle Tavern the next night. They had dated for two years, so naturally, Jaskier was still torn up about the event, but as Yennefer had already dated Geralt and warned Jaskier about the dangers of dating a man who couldn’t tell lust and anger apart, so she was only mildly sympathetic. However, Jaskier had been living at Geralt’s apartment and since he obviously couldn’t stay there anymore, he phoned the only person he knew would actually let him stay. He’d been incredibly shocked by Yennefer agreeing to let him stay at her place, but he figured that she understood what it was like to be dumped by Geralt despite the very differing circumstances. He broke up with Yennefer because he realized he was gay, and he dumped Jaskier for being too loud and annoying, which to be fair, was true, but it still hurt.

So, here Jaskier was, in his sort of friend’s apartment, with no job and a broken heart. His last band had broken up a week before the breakup, so he had no money to use for food and such. In short, he was a wreck. Until he had a very very good idea. Or a very dumb idea, it depended on how Yennefer reacted.

“Wanna make a band?” He asked, turning down ABBA so Yennefer could respond.

“Excuse me?” Yennefer replied, snapping her head around to face him. “Are you high or drunk, or are you just batshit crazy?”

“The last one,” Jaskier responded and raised the bottle of peppermint schnapps he had been nursing for the past hour. “But I’m serious. You can sing, I can sing, let’s make a band.”

Yennefer merely blinked at him and leveled her gaze towards him. “What brought this idea on?”

“Boredom. Also, Geralt did insult both of our musical geniuses, so it would also be a very petty...” He waved his free hand around to try and come up with the word- “thing.”

Yennefer sighed. “Pass me the bottle.”  
Jaskier tossed the half-empty, still uncapped bottle at Yennefer, and by some miracle, she caught it and took a swig. “What should we call ourselves?” She asked, and took another sip.

“Fuck if I know.” Jaskier picked up his phone and changed the song to Lay All Your Love On Me. “The horny bastards who fucked an asshat?” He suggested sarcastically.

Yennefer snorted. “We don’t need to expose ourselves like that. What about the Shady Bitches? That way whenever we’re asked what we’re called we can say we’re the Shady Bitches.”

“That’s even worse than the horny bastards….” Jaskier paused, trying to remember what he had thought of. “Well, whatever. It needs to be catchy and downright homosexual.”

“What was the first thing you thought of me?”

“What?”

“I don’t know, what were they?” Yennefer demanded.

“See when I saw you, I thought you were very sexy, but very insane. What does that have to do with band names?”

Yennefer started laughing. Like, out of control laughing, like 3:43 in the morning drinking peppermint schnapps from the bottle out of control.

“Yen, you’re just proving my internal thoughts correct. The fuck are you on about?”

“That’s the band name!” Yennefer wheezed. “Sexy but insane!”

“You’re fucking kidding. Why do you think that!? Band names are no laughing matter!” For a drunk man who was blasting ABBA at 3:43 am, and had just announced that he and his kinda friend should start a band he was awfully serious.

“Are you saying we aren’t Sexy and Insane? We are starting a band out of spite for a man who probably won’t realize it was made from our combined pettiness. We are both kinda whores, and we’re both probably insane, so I think it fits.”

“Goddamnit. You’re right. We’re Sexy and Insane.” Jaskier looked up and started at the microwave like he was Jim in the office. “I’ve been working on a few songs, if you’d like to see them.”

“Show me, bard.”


	2. Destroying Reputations With Jaskier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No I'm not sorry

“You ready?” Jaskier asked Yennefer. They were at their first gig, a month after they decided to form a band together, and had been practicing nonstop. Their setlist was rather short, as it was their first performance and the owner of the coffeeshop they were at didn’t want them performing all night if the crowd hated them. Jaskier was meant to be singing that night and playing his lute while Yennefer played keyboard. They had also hired Yennefer’s friend Triss to play the drums because neither of them had the ability to play. 

It was their time to go out. There was a mic in the middle of the raised platform in the surprisingly large coffee shop, and the people at the shop looked somewhat apprehensive to the new band being announced, until of course, Jaskier, Yennefer, and Triss walked out. They were all somewhat known in the area as being relatively good musicians, and they knew going into the gig there would be high expectations. 

Jaskier walked up to the mic and began introducing himself and the band. “Hello everybody, I’m Jaskier, that’s Yennefer on the keys, Triss on the drums, and together we’re Sexy but Insane. This first song is called  _ Fishmonger’s Daughter _ , and if you have any small children in here please cover their ears.”

And so, they began their performance. Jaskier reveled in all the shocked gasps of people who had gone in expecting a very wholesome and heartwarming tale about the  _ Fishmonger’s Daughter _ but had gotten a very questionable story about her adventures in fucking a faun. Jaskier liked surprising his audiences like that. It was very enjoyable, especially since his lute made him look very family-friendly, and covered the fact that he was, in fact, a bit of a hoe. Then, of course, it all went to shit. Okay, they sounded great, incredible even, it was just the audience that went to hell. The reason for this? The entrance of three very large men, who just happened to be Geralt, and his two brothers Eskel and Lambert. They sat in the corner of the room, and Jaskier made eye contact with Yennefer, who shrugged. They finished  _ Fishmonger’s Daughter _ with a great amount of applause, and Jaskier decided that it was time to get petty. 

“Welcome to our new guests who entered during our song, if you don’t know, we’re Sexy but Insane!” Geralt, Eskel, and Lambert had been the only ones to enter during the song, so everyone turned to them. Jaskier smiled, knowing that the three all hated any type of attention. “Hey, hey hey! Back to us, I know, those three gents are very hot, but we only have so much time to perform! Our next song is  _ Her Sweet Kiss _ !” 

_ Her Sweet Kiss _ had originally been written about Yennefer when she had been dating Geralt, and he was repressing his growing feelings for Geralt. Yennefer, of course, knew this and thought it would be perfect for their first spiteful performance. Jaskier had originally wanted to change the words because it wasn’t exactly a very kind song, but Yennefer had urged him to keep it. Now, Jaskier realized why she insisted he do so. Because Geralt knew the song. He knew who it was about, and who it was directed to. And now, he was performing said song with the women it had been about. No one else knew about the anger it had held except for Geralt, and now the song had changed the focus to his anger towards Geralt.

Lines like “So tell me, love,” and “I’m weak my love, and I am wanting” became filled with sarcasm and simmered with fury. The lines that had once criticized Yennefer, seemed to praise her, as the song shaped the former object of affection to be nothing more than a fool, and made it seem as if they were all things that had been said of the women instead of being said by the writer. Jaskier honestly praised himself for his brilliant acting, as it really was hard to act as if the song wasn’t an attack on the Yennefer. To be quite honest, he wasn’t exactly acting. Geralt had used Yennefer as a way to convince himself he was straight, which while understandable, was very manipulative and led to very passive-aggressive comments about her. Jaskier had been hopelessly infatuated with Geralt and believed every word he said, which led to his and Yennefer’s animosity. Until that day, Jaskier realized Geralt still thought Jaskier hated Yennefer. Funny how things change, he thought as the last chords of  _ Her Sweet Kiss _ played. Again, the room erupted in applause, which included Geralt, Eskel, and Lambert, who apparently had not realized Jaskier’s anger. It was time to pump it up a notch, Jaskier decided, and when he whispered this to Yennefer, she grinned and nodded. 

“Our last song will be  _ Toss a Coin _ , I’m sure you all know this one, but please don’t sing along, I might get confused!” There were assorted laughs around the room for that. 

Jaskier took a deep breath and began to play.  _ Toss a Coin _ had been one of his more popular songs, and everyone knew who it was for. Everyone recognized the so-called “witcher” from it. And everyone knew that it was a song of great praise, however, they didn’t know why he wrote it. Geralt and his family all had a certain mutation in their DNA that led to them looking like a fucked up version of the avengers, and all of them held relatively bad reputations, especially Geralt. He had been involved in some shady business in a town called Blaviken, and the story soon spread of a “witcher” who lusted for blood and hunted humans. It also earned him the nickname of the Butcher of Blaviken. Geralt and his family were unable to find jobs anywhere as the entire Northeast branded them as murders. Then, Jaskier changed that through the song. He described an event where Geralt had saved him, and branded him a “friend of humanity”. He changed thousands of people's opinions of Geralt, and what did Geralt give him other than annoyance and insults? Nothing. He told Jaskier that he was the reason Geralt ever got into any sort of trouble and that he was, in short, good for nothing and he wished they never met. Jaskier decided his wish to come true. 

The song that praised Geralt started off like it always did, but as it went along, it became bitter. The phrases that once lifted him up now tore him apart. The audience began to crane their necks to face Geralt, as they felt his anger and they felt his betrayal. There were whispers among the audience as they wondered what Geralt had done to hurt Jaskier. Jaskier heard mutterings calling him “the butcher”, and for once, Jaskier didn’t give a shit. He spat out the words, and when it was over, he smiled, leaned into the microphone, and spoke the words no one had thought he’d ever say. 

“That last song was dedicated to the Butcher of Blaviken. I hope you enjoyed our performance! Have a great day!” 

The last thing Jaskier saw before he turned to walk off was an older woman picking up an apple and pelt it at Geralt. 


	3. Eskel do be thicc tho

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the performance. aka, jaskier and yen get drunk
> 
> sorry for not posting i had no motivation
> 
> also anyway I finished reading the show and the witcher 3 so-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im underage ive never been drunk before but ive seen it happen so- have this  
> also yes Yennefer and the witchers do witchcraft i dont make the rules i just obey them

“Do you think I fucked up?” Jaskier whispered to Yennefer, as soon as they left the stage.

“As in, do I think you shouldn’t have put his family into danger, including Crir because you’re salty? Because if so, I really think that was an incredibly stupid idea. The sentiment I agree with, but his family could all lose their jobs. But, your execution of your incredibly stupid plan was impressive to say the least.”

“I… didn’t think of that.” Jaskier bit his lip nervously. “Do you reckon there’s anything that can be done to fix this?”

“Probably not.” Yennefer’s response, as usual, was quick and blunt. Unfortunately, her answers to Jaskier’s questions always tended to be true, and as he thought about the consequences of his actions, Jaskier winced. 

“Shit.” Jaskier kicked at the floor. “It can’t be that bad right? It’s just one show.” 

“You really believe the media’s not going to take advantage of this as soon as news starts to spread?”

Jaskier sighed and checked his twitter. “Should I at least make a tweet? Maybe saying not all witchers are like him?”

“That’s very ‘not all cops are bad’ of you.” Yennefer replied, also checking twitter. “But what do we have to lose?”

“It’s not about us losing shit, it's about making sure Ciri is okay.” Jaskier started typing out a tweet, before deleting all he had written. “What should I say?”

“I don’t know. You’re the bard here, not me.”

Jaskier flipped her off. “Yen. C’mon. It’s for Ciri, not Geralt.”

“Maybe be like: ‘In regards to today’s performance, I’d like to mention that the sentiments are not reflective of all Witchers, and any of those affiliated with the butcher are completely free of wrongdoing?’” 

“Excellent. And the general public knows I’m willing to rip them apart through song, correct?”

“Yeah, the city knows you’re feral. They’ll probably listen to you. If they don’t? Well congrats, you fucked up Ciri’s life!”

“You could lay off the sarcasm. It’s not like you didn’t agree to this.”

“Fair point. Wanna get drunk and forget about this shitshow?”

“It’s literally only 6pm, Yen. It’s dinnertime”

“Since when have you been reasonable?” Yennefer retorted, nudging Jaskier with her elbow.

Jaskier shrugged. “Wanna get Taco Bell? In case we get the munchies later?”

“If you ever say that word again, I will gut you.” It was an empty threat, and Jaskier knew that, but he also knew that Yennefer was not above murdering someone for saying ‘munchies.’

_______________Approximately two hours later._______________

“Do bees have muscles?”  
“I dunno. You’re the one who went to college.”  
“Yen…”  
“What.”  
“You went to college, remember? You were in the sorority with the girl with the uhhh.. You know…” Jaskier gestured wildly for a minute (nearly whacking Yennefer in the face) before finishing his sentence, “badonkadonks?”  
“What is this you speak of?” Yennefer leaned back onto Jaskiers chest. “What’s a badonkadonk? Enlighten me.”  
“You know, honkers?”  
“Bard, explain.”  
“Tig ole bitties.”  
“Ohhhhh. Tig ole bitties.” Yennefer responded. She reached for the bottle of gin on the coffee table and took a sip. “Good, good.”  
“Mmmm. Yes.” Jaskier sighed and thought for a second. “Eskel’s kinda hot.”  
“What.”  
“You know, Geralt’s brother? The nice one with the good ass?”  
“I know who Eskel is. I’m questioning your choice in men.”  
“Am I wrong? He’s lovely and he makes my knees weak.”  
“Ha. Simp.” Yennefer turned her head, and in doing so she wrinkled Jaskier’s half unbuttoned shirt. “You’re hairy, what the fuck?”  
“Yeah.”  
“I didn’t expect that. You have the face and temperament of a 12 year old boy.”  
Jaskier sniffled, “Geralt said that…”  
“If I hear you say anything about that prick. I’ll kill you.”  
“But who else will you get Taco Bell with?” Jaskier asked, suddenly sitting up straight and pointing to the empty food wrappings.  
“Eskel.”  
“I’m pretty sure he’s a vegetarian.”  
“No way in hell.”  
“No, I think Geralt said something about him getting attached to one of his pet goats and becoming a vegetarian.”  
“Damn.”  
They sat in silence for a moment.  
“Did I tell you that Geralt texted me yesterday?”  
“No.” Yennefer took another sip of the gin. “Why’d he want?”  
“Couldn’t find his veil or whatever.”  
“You respond?”  
“Yeah. I figured that was something important to respond to.”  
“Eh. He could get another.”  
“I think it was the one he uses for protection or whatever.”  
“Let him suffer. It’s not like he’s an empath anyway. He doesn’t need it that bad.”  
“Yen! He’s still a person! I wouldn’t lie to him about the location of his veils, his magick work is one of the things he actually cares about. I’d expect you of all people to understand that.”  
“That’s true. But he could technically use a blanket if he cleansed it properly. It’s not like he wears them out.”  
“That’s true, I guess, I dunno jackshit about cult stuff.”  
“I know.”  
“You wanna teach me some shit?”  
“Why. You’ve never wanted to learn before. Magick isn’t something you can just fuck around with.”  
“I know. I wanna get all vibey and shit. Also Eskel’s crazy good with it and I wanna rail him, so I gotta get on his good side.”  
“Fucking simp. I’m not drunk enough for this.”  
“You drunk enough, me thinks.” Jaskier took the bottle from Yennefer and took a sip. He winced at the taste, but took another gulp of it.  
“You’re the one talking about sleeping with your ex’s brother.”  
“Well, you’re the one who-” Jaskier frowned and looked down. “I dunno where I was going with that, but I’m tired, wanna cuddle.”  
“I don’t cuddle.”  
“Suit yourself, I’m going to my room.” Jaskier got up and started to walk to Yennefer’s guest room where he had been sleeping.  
Yennefer sighed. “I'm big spoon!” She yelled, and clumsily put the bottle down and followed Jaskier inside.


End file.
